As a child all I cared about was sound. I was infatuated with it. Especially, through most forms of music. I always had headphones on no matter where I was. Since I grew up in the 80s and 90s, I actually walked around with a walkman and headphones that consisted of some sort of foam cushion. “Beats By Dre” Lol, what?
I was very shy, gullible, and partially introverted. I even had a little temper at times. I also had low self-esteem issues due to not being popular and not being able to control my weight. I often disliked school. My attention span was super low and I hated homework. I even remember being in an art class and failing a particular project. I wrote, “I hate myself” on the back of the project which prompted a teacher/parent conference. To make things more challenging, I also grew up being a military child. Meaning, my family and I moved every 2-4 years. At this point in my life I have live in 14 different states and have moved a total of 25 times, but who’s counting. Ironically, I actually enjoyed my childhood and still miss it today. My brother whom I adore was considered the artist in the family. He could and still can draw anything just from looking at it. I always admired that about him. I would dibble and dabble at times but nobody knew it and I didn’t feel I was as good as him so I never put forth much effort. I wasn’t very confident at all. I actually wasn’t very confident about much at all. I was good at sports, but didn’t have much desire for it as I got into my teens. Little did I know…
I delve right into junior college after high school. I knew it was going to be a really bad situation due to the fact that I had terrible study skills and a low attention span. The facts lined up perfectly. My 1st semester I bombed extremely bad. Things had to change immediately. I wrote on a piece of paper what made me happy inside and that birthed the beginning of my love for radio broadcasting. Before the 2nd semester began, I switched my major to “Radio Broadcasting”. As you would have it, I soared through the entire program. I graduated with a “Certificate of Completion” and that would materialize a new reality and introduce the beginning of my radio broadcasting career. Which made a lot of sense because of my infatuation with music and sound. Although shy, I loved to talk also.
12 years into my radio broadcasting career, I was laid off. I didn’t work for almost a full year. Although I would finally get a job in retail, 2013 would change my life in the most dramatic way possible. May of 2013 I had my 1st panic attack that sent me to the ER. I would follow that panic attack with 2 more trips to the ER plus an overnight stay. From that point on I would deal constantly with panic attacks for over a year in a half. In addition to panic attacks, I fought aggressively with extreme breathing issues, high anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, derealization, depersonalization, and schizophrenia. As you might assume, I just knew my life was coming to an end. I needed help and lots of it. Here enters: therapy and an untapped gift.
Although I never fully recovered from trauma like that, I did learn new things about myself and life. Art and sound among many things have been my oxygen for the past 4 years. Little did I know that sound has been my oxygen since an infant. My new life began when I discovered that I can put what I hear and what I see on canvas. Yes, I do deal with what most conceive of as visual and auditory hallucinations among other things. It can be a challenge often, but at the moment within my journey I’ve learned how to deal with it all. I am an over comer. All paintings you come across from me revolves around either audio wave frequencies from music or my mind, the visual hallucinations I see in my mind, or spirituality as it relates to what most label as mental illness. But, I can’t take credit for anything that I do. I give the credit to God and my 2 friends whom always paint with me.